A Snapshot Of Me.......
God has a poetic nature when he tries to get something across to us. He uses people as metaphors and situations as a framework for a life script that could not even be improved by Shakespeare himself!
You see, through my entire life things were stripped from me a little bit at a time. By things I mean people, homes, friends, and more. For the first part of my life I have had to face the demons in the lives of those around me as my mother had no apparent interest in me and took off and an alcoholic father who enjoyed womanizing about as much as he enjoyed his rotgut whiskey.
As a child it is very hard not to internalize these things and not feel that you are the one to blame in some small way. You ask yourself many questions like: What did I do to make my mother leave me? Am I the reason why my father drinks so much? Should I expect men to treat me the way my dad treats other women? If my mother did not want me then why would anyone else?
Eventually, at some point in your life you find yourself feeling unloved, rejected and raw. For me this impacted more things than I care to admit. I had to teach myself many things and so much of the simple things in life were trials by fire. Example, making friends. When your parents are living a selfish existence it is difficult for this to not rub off. It is difficult to not turn into that on some level and hurt people in the process.
This is what happened to me. I learned from the very poor examples set for me in regards to how to treat others around me. I would use people for what I could get from them and not care. The thing that was not known was I was not doing this because I wanted to. I did this because I honestly did not know any better. Anytime I would hurt someone, I never set out with that intention. Working in HR you are taught that intention does not matter, what matters is how it was received. Well, it was not received well by a few that I loved dearly and it ruined relationships.
I was living with the after effects of an addiction, BUT I wasn't the addict.
During the first part of my life I was blessed with glittering moments of hope and love. It wasn't all bad as I had a refuge at my grandparents house, or an occasional serious girlfriend of my fathers who would take an interest in me. A couple of those women shielded me from the anger and irrationality that came with my father's alcoholism. Some of those women did so in a rather physical sense and looking back on the multiple times the cops were called to our home I am amazed I was never taken away.
My father's alcoholism got very bad by the time I was approaching my senior year. He had lost his job and we could not make ends meet. I was facing having to relocate to another city for my senior year until the Novak family took me in as one of their own. They loved me and so vividly I remember "Mom" Novak telling me one day "You do not need to worry about that, just go and be a kid!" That was freeing for me. I still reflect on that today as a very real example of what life is like living in God's grace.
You see, during that year, I was living in God's grace. I just did not know it at the time. Long story short with this chapter, their daughter was my best friend, over the course of about 7 years after high school our friendship ended. I had caused her too much anger and hurt for her to continue the relationship with me. I just wish I would have known better what to do and what not to do with friendship. This is probably the thing that hurts the most looking back.
To this day, I do not know if the adults in my life, (friends parents and teachers) really knew the extent of what was really going on in my life. My guess is not, considering the stories I am hearing now from friends from school who had their own struggles that I was unaware of at the time. In todays age, there is training to look out for these things. 20 plus years ago this was not common. If it had been, I wonder if my life would have been different.
The second half of my life was one big blow after another. If you can think of it it happened. Medical Issues, CHECK! Death, CHECK! Divorce, CHECK! Big Career Change, CHECK! Moving, CHECK! All of that was just 2002. Needless to say it was a rough year.
With all of my dads issues, when I moved out, we became very good friends. Best friends. He was always there and he always loved me. He just knew that I was not going to tolerate living with the substance abuse any longer. I got to that point by living in grace with the Novak Family. Again, I just did not know it at the time. So, my dad's death was hard. I was officially alone! All of those that I had left, even my dear grandmother, could not give me what I needed.
I met my amazing husband during the course of this. That first year of dating was difficult, but I made some strides. I went back to church occasionally and worked on being "loveable." I still felt like I was broken and that something was not right with me. My husband has and continues to love me through all of this and he was the one thing that kept me going. I am unsure if he realizes this, but I am forever grateful for his love and friendship.
I also picked up a couple of other amazing people along the way in the Gnatiuk family! Over time they embraced me as one of their own and have provided for me an example of friendship and family that is without a doubt what I strive to want to be like with those that mean the most to me. They are so dear to me.
I wish I could say that that is the end and all was wonderful, but I cannot. I started emotionally killing myself! But I was unaware. Even though I had "Framily" around me that LOVED ME, I still felt unworthy and unloveable. I had a difficult time accepting things like love and gratitude. I felt like the love of those around me needed to be earned and sustained by acts and constantly doing. "If they cannot love me for who I am then they can love me for what I do", is what was running through my head.
Now, acts are not bad! For some that is their love language and it is beautiful. But showing love by doing something verses doing something to earn love are to entirely different things. When you fall into that trap you have to ask yourself, whose love am I trying to earn and why? For me, it was anyone, even people I did not really like all that much I was trying to please in some way.
That old saying, you find out who your friends are when the chips are down rang true for me when I was pregnant with my second child. I was a wreck in the first part of the pregnancy. I reached out and what I got in return astounded me in both good and bad ways. Women that I had assumed were friends were telling me to seek a shrink because I obviously needed meds. Eventually, even some of these people that I reached out too ceased inviting me to go places with them. I guess I was unloveable still, regardless of what I did. Keep in mind, that this is in contrast to three beautiful women that loved me through the ENTIRE pregnancy. But I will get to them in a moment. The point is that even in spite of the good, the bad still had an impact and I still felt that I was broken and something was terribly wrong with me.
Talk about baggage. The thing is, when you start feeling these things they always start as a small voice. Eventually they grow and they take over your subconscious. When you have a constant chorus in the back of your head that your are not worthy of friendship, you are not worthy of love, you are not worthy of anything good because you are simply you, it kills you, slowly.
I was lost and defined by my work ethic instead of my heart and who I was as a person. That was mostly my fault because that is what I put out there. After all it was safer than being real and look at what being real got me??? But in the midst of all of that nonsense I had a few angels, in addition to my "Framily," that showed me something that I did not want to really see, that I could be loved by others for simply being the authentic me and nothing more. It honestly took me until sometime Saturday afternoon (October 4th) while I was sitting in a chair at Saint Anne's Convent to see that fact crystal clear for the first time.
When you are stranded at a convent for 72 hours with a group of "strangers" (to start with) and all of the outside distractions are gone, even the clocks, you tend to realize that you cannot run from yourself. Once I realized I could not run from myself and this baggage one big truth hit me, and it is honestly something that I think Paul would say if he were writing those letters in the bible today. When I was alone, face to face with myself and seeking Christ because I could not fix this, I had one thought during that sacred moment, SHIT JUST GOT REAL!
On my walk to Emmaus, it got very real. Am I fixed? Oh heck NO. Jesus is powerful but I am still human! I did find some more people that will help me, I made some new friends, learned to appreciate the old ones and realized that I had a lot more people that loved me than I ever imagined. And when I say loved me, I do not mean as just a Christian, I mean ME. To know that, accept that, appreciate that is the first step of many for me. To be bombarded by and surrounded by so much love and so many acts of kindness, large and small, you cannot help but be moved on some level. For me the movement was more like an earthquake than a heartbeat. It was overwhelming but it was what I needed.
I want to everyone to understand, this is just a snapshot of my life and story. This experience, though it is a part of me, it does not define me. It also does not justify every mistake I have ever made in my life. I have plenty of other things that I have done that I can only blame and forgive myself for. But I hope that by sharing this part of my life someone may feel a little less alone if they are going through the same struggles. When you are the child of an abuser, regardless of the type and if it was direct or indirect, there are issues that you cannot run away from and you have to deal with. Don't be afraid.
You see, through my entire life things were stripped from me a little bit at a time. By things I mean people, homes, friends, and more. For the first part of my life I have had to face the demons in the lives of those around me as my mother had no apparent interest in me and took off and an alcoholic father who enjoyed womanizing about as much as he enjoyed his rotgut whiskey.
As a child it is very hard not to internalize these things and not feel that you are the one to blame in some small way. You ask yourself many questions like: What did I do to make my mother leave me? Am I the reason why my father drinks so much? Should I expect men to treat me the way my dad treats other women? If my mother did not want me then why would anyone else?
Eventually, at some point in your life you find yourself feeling unloved, rejected and raw. For me this impacted more things than I care to admit. I had to teach myself many things and so much of the simple things in life were trials by fire. Example, making friends. When your parents are living a selfish existence it is difficult for this to not rub off. It is difficult to not turn into that on some level and hurt people in the process.
This is what happened to me. I learned from the very poor examples set for me in regards to how to treat others around me. I would use people for what I could get from them and not care. The thing that was not known was I was not doing this because I wanted to. I did this because I honestly did not know any better. Anytime I would hurt someone, I never set out with that intention. Working in HR you are taught that intention does not matter, what matters is how it was received. Well, it was not received well by a few that I loved dearly and it ruined relationships.
I was living with the after effects of an addiction, BUT I wasn't the addict.
During the first part of my life I was blessed with glittering moments of hope and love. It wasn't all bad as I had a refuge at my grandparents house, or an occasional serious girlfriend of my fathers who would take an interest in me. A couple of those women shielded me from the anger and irrationality that came with my father's alcoholism. Some of those women did so in a rather physical sense and looking back on the multiple times the cops were called to our home I am amazed I was never taken away.
My father's alcoholism got very bad by the time I was approaching my senior year. He had lost his job and we could not make ends meet. I was facing having to relocate to another city for my senior year until the Novak family took me in as one of their own. They loved me and so vividly I remember "Mom" Novak telling me one day "You do not need to worry about that, just go and be a kid!" That was freeing for me. I still reflect on that today as a very real example of what life is like living in God's grace.
You see, during that year, I was living in God's grace. I just did not know it at the time. Long story short with this chapter, their daughter was my best friend, over the course of about 7 years after high school our friendship ended. I had caused her too much anger and hurt for her to continue the relationship with me. I just wish I would have known better what to do and what not to do with friendship. This is probably the thing that hurts the most looking back.
To this day, I do not know if the adults in my life, (friends parents and teachers) really knew the extent of what was really going on in my life. My guess is not, considering the stories I am hearing now from friends from school who had their own struggles that I was unaware of at the time. In todays age, there is training to look out for these things. 20 plus years ago this was not common. If it had been, I wonder if my life would have been different.
The second half of my life was one big blow after another. If you can think of it it happened. Medical Issues, CHECK! Death, CHECK! Divorce, CHECK! Big Career Change, CHECK! Moving, CHECK! All of that was just 2002. Needless to say it was a rough year.
With all of my dads issues, when I moved out, we became very good friends. Best friends. He was always there and he always loved me. He just knew that I was not going to tolerate living with the substance abuse any longer. I got to that point by living in grace with the Novak Family. Again, I just did not know it at the time. So, my dad's death was hard. I was officially alone! All of those that I had left, even my dear grandmother, could not give me what I needed.
I met my amazing husband during the course of this. That first year of dating was difficult, but I made some strides. I went back to church occasionally and worked on being "loveable." I still felt like I was broken and that something was not right with me. My husband has and continues to love me through all of this and he was the one thing that kept me going. I am unsure if he realizes this, but I am forever grateful for his love and friendship.
I also picked up a couple of other amazing people along the way in the Gnatiuk family! Over time they embraced me as one of their own and have provided for me an example of friendship and family that is without a doubt what I strive to want to be like with those that mean the most to me. They are so dear to me.
I wish I could say that that is the end and all was wonderful, but I cannot. I started emotionally killing myself! But I was unaware. Even though I had "Framily" around me that LOVED ME, I still felt unworthy and unloveable. I had a difficult time accepting things like love and gratitude. I felt like the love of those around me needed to be earned and sustained by acts and constantly doing. "If they cannot love me for who I am then they can love me for what I do", is what was running through my head.
Now, acts are not bad! For some that is their love language and it is beautiful. But showing love by doing something verses doing something to earn love are to entirely different things. When you fall into that trap you have to ask yourself, whose love am I trying to earn and why? For me, it was anyone, even people I did not really like all that much I was trying to please in some way.
That old saying, you find out who your friends are when the chips are down rang true for me when I was pregnant with my second child. I was a wreck in the first part of the pregnancy. I reached out and what I got in return astounded me in both good and bad ways. Women that I had assumed were friends were telling me to seek a shrink because I obviously needed meds. Eventually, even some of these people that I reached out too ceased inviting me to go places with them. I guess I was unloveable still, regardless of what I did. Keep in mind, that this is in contrast to three beautiful women that loved me through the ENTIRE pregnancy. But I will get to them in a moment. The point is that even in spite of the good, the bad still had an impact and I still felt that I was broken and something was terribly wrong with me.
Talk about baggage. The thing is, when you start feeling these things they always start as a small voice. Eventually they grow and they take over your subconscious. When you have a constant chorus in the back of your head that your are not worthy of friendship, you are not worthy of love, you are not worthy of anything good because you are simply you, it kills you, slowly.
I was lost and defined by my work ethic instead of my heart and who I was as a person. That was mostly my fault because that is what I put out there. After all it was safer than being real and look at what being real got me??? But in the midst of all of that nonsense I had a few angels, in addition to my "Framily," that showed me something that I did not want to really see, that I could be loved by others for simply being the authentic me and nothing more. It honestly took me until sometime Saturday afternoon (October 4th) while I was sitting in a chair at Saint Anne's Convent to see that fact crystal clear for the first time.
When you are stranded at a convent for 72 hours with a group of "strangers" (to start with) and all of the outside distractions are gone, even the clocks, you tend to realize that you cannot run from yourself. Once I realized I could not run from myself and this baggage one big truth hit me, and it is honestly something that I think Paul would say if he were writing those letters in the bible today. When I was alone, face to face with myself and seeking Christ because I could not fix this, I had one thought during that sacred moment, SHIT JUST GOT REAL!
On my walk to Emmaus, it got very real. Am I fixed? Oh heck NO. Jesus is powerful but I am still human! I did find some more people that will help me, I made some new friends, learned to appreciate the old ones and realized that I had a lot more people that loved me than I ever imagined. And when I say loved me, I do not mean as just a Christian, I mean ME. To know that, accept that, appreciate that is the first step of many for me. To be bombarded by and surrounded by so much love and so many acts of kindness, large and small, you cannot help but be moved on some level. For me the movement was more like an earthquake than a heartbeat. It was overwhelming but it was what I needed.
I want to everyone to understand, this is just a snapshot of my life and story. This experience, though it is a part of me, it does not define me. It also does not justify every mistake I have ever made in my life. I have plenty of other things that I have done that I can only blame and forgive myself for. But I hope that by sharing this part of my life someone may feel a little less alone if they are going through the same struggles. When you are the child of an abuser, regardless of the type and if it was direct or indirect, there are issues that you cannot run away from and you have to deal with. Don't be afraid.
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