Eeyore the Dragon Slayer
One of the things I have noticed on the entire world wide
web (do they still call it that?), there are very few things that discuss how
to have relationships with people that have mental “illness.” I see a lot on defining the scope of the “illness”
but nothing that discusses how to best approach people that struggle.
First of all, I do put “illness” in quotation marks. I hate that word. I think that that is the first problem we face when we are looking at the stigma we fight against each day. Mental “illness” indicates that we are sick and sick is usually something that is seen as bad or something that you should sympathize. Mental “illness” is more like an allergy or a birthmark and less like being “sick.”
What do I mean?
Many of us that deal with things like anxiety, depression, panic, personality disorders and so on were born that way. Others, it is a result of something or a series of things that happened that rewired our brain to help us cope. It is not something that you contract from a sneeze and can prevent with a vaccination. It is our “normal.”
REDEFINE YOUR THINKING. Do not look at us as being “sick.” Being labeled as “sick” or “ill” creates a vibe of sympathy, isolation and sometimes fear.” We are NOT “sick.” We are just wired different and this impacts how we react to things and how we process the world around us.
SHOW UP OR SHUT UP. This seems harsh, but it is the single best thing you can do to be a friend. Most of us that have a rewired brain tend to hold onto relationships more strongly. If we feel a connection and call you a friend, you need to know that it is not something we do lightly. If you use phrases like “friend,” “best friend,” “besties,” “sisters,” or “brother” know that that means something to most people, especially if they struggle with making connections. If you use this phraseology in any relationship make sure you back it up and SHOW UP. Otherwise, SHUT UP. Facebook Friending has cheapened the meaning of friendship but not to those that struggle making real life connections.
SHOW UP DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. When I say, “Show Up” I am not talking about being right there hand holding. I mean extending grace, checking in, showing understanding and not having a thin skin. It takes a special person to maintain friendships with people that seem “irrational,” “angry,” “detached,” “distant,” “moody,” “depressed,” “sad,” “negative,” “unreliable,” and any other adjective out there that is usually used to criticize us.
More often than not, when a person we connect with sees these traits it means we feel safe around you. This also means that when we have a situation like, “I just can’t handle her_______ (insert any adjective) anymore. I just need to cut ties,” occurs it hurts very deeply because we have essentially been told, "I am not good enough when I am who I am." And the mask goes back on and the guard goes up along with thicker and stronger walls.
Most often times a person that is working on their situation is willing to have an open dialog. If something happens and you genuinely love the person you should ask them, “Hey, so you got mad the other day and it hurt my feelings. Is something going on that we may need to talk about.” Chances are, what happened was something not directed towards you, you just happened to be there for the reaction.
Again, we trust you and feel safe. I am not saying that should invalidate your feelings, but I am asking that you understand that it seriously is not you, it is us. This is where the not having a thin skin comes in. Well, thin skin and a reminder that we ALL have bad days. Even you "normal" ones. Our bad days just look different.
My favorite character in children’s literature is Eeyore. I always identified with him as a kid and even more so as an adult. There is a meme that has circulated over the years that embraces everything I have mentioned above.
His friends never expected him to be happy or positive or optimistic. They never once tried to fix him or change him. They did not view him as “sick” or “ill.” He was just Eeyore. They also showed up and they included him in EVERYTHING. Even thought they may not have been digging his vibe in a particular moment they always remembered that he was their friend and they were there. In the long run, they were all richer for it.
Why is this so important? Why is changing the way we have relationships with those that battle with the unseen so very important? One simple reason, there are more of us than you will ever know. That said, this should honestly be an approach we take with everyone, not just those of our friends that go to battle within themselves each day.
We do not and should not have to discuss our details to anyone, ever. We should not have to announce loudly that we are feeling triggered. We should not have to disclose our life story to anyone. We should not have to explain ourselves if we say no or cancel plans.
While there are a few of us that are coming out now and disclosing our situations, know that those around you that do not openly discuss it are watching your reactions to what we share. They are watching how you treat us, to our face and behind our backs. Saying things like, “Well, I always knew she was crazy.” or “Well, she just wants attention.” or “That’s just an excuse.” or “That does not excuse her from ____.” These comments are things that people that are afraid to open up hear. These comments are reasons why people do not seek help. These comments are reasons why people cease being their authentic selves and wear masks everyday.
There are more and more people in my extended circles that have been coming out, raising their hands and telling their community, “This is me! No mask! This is me!” I am so proud of them and they keep me inspired! They are my people and I LOVE THEM! These are people that should not be shamed, EVER! These are people that you should not feel sorry for, EVER! These are people that you should not discourage or laugh at, EVER! If you do, it honestly says more about you than you realize.
I want to end this by asking those that are struggling with the internal battles to please reach out and seek help! If you need an ear, I am here. But please know, the help does help if you put the work in. You are loved! You are valued! You are brave! You are a warrior! Go out an slay your dragons!
First of all, I do put “illness” in quotation marks. I hate that word. I think that that is the first problem we face when we are looking at the stigma we fight against each day. Mental “illness” indicates that we are sick and sick is usually something that is seen as bad or something that you should sympathize. Mental “illness” is more like an allergy or a birthmark and less like being “sick.”
What do I mean?
Many of us that deal with things like anxiety, depression, panic, personality disorders and so on were born that way. Others, it is a result of something or a series of things that happened that rewired our brain to help us cope. It is not something that you contract from a sneeze and can prevent with a vaccination. It is our “normal.”
REDEFINE YOUR THINKING. Do not look at us as being “sick.” Being labeled as “sick” or “ill” creates a vibe of sympathy, isolation and sometimes fear.” We are NOT “sick.” We are just wired different and this impacts how we react to things and how we process the world around us.
SHOW UP OR SHUT UP. This seems harsh, but it is the single best thing you can do to be a friend. Most of us that have a rewired brain tend to hold onto relationships more strongly. If we feel a connection and call you a friend, you need to know that it is not something we do lightly. If you use phrases like “friend,” “best friend,” “besties,” “sisters,” or “brother” know that that means something to most people, especially if they struggle with making connections. If you use this phraseology in any relationship make sure you back it up and SHOW UP. Otherwise, SHUT UP. Facebook Friending has cheapened the meaning of friendship but not to those that struggle making real life connections.
SHOW UP DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. When I say, “Show Up” I am not talking about being right there hand holding. I mean extending grace, checking in, showing understanding and not having a thin skin. It takes a special person to maintain friendships with people that seem “irrational,” “angry,” “detached,” “distant,” “moody,” “depressed,” “sad,” “negative,” “unreliable,” and any other adjective out there that is usually used to criticize us.
More often than not, when a person we connect with sees these traits it means we feel safe around you. This also means that when we have a situation like, “I just can’t handle her_______ (insert any adjective) anymore. I just need to cut ties,” occurs it hurts very deeply because we have essentially been told, "I am not good enough when I am who I am." And the mask goes back on and the guard goes up along with thicker and stronger walls.
Most often times a person that is working on their situation is willing to have an open dialog. If something happens and you genuinely love the person you should ask them, “Hey, so you got mad the other day and it hurt my feelings. Is something going on that we may need to talk about.” Chances are, what happened was something not directed towards you, you just happened to be there for the reaction.
Again, we trust you and feel safe. I am not saying that should invalidate your feelings, but I am asking that you understand that it seriously is not you, it is us. This is where the not having a thin skin comes in. Well, thin skin and a reminder that we ALL have bad days. Even you "normal" ones. Our bad days just look different.
My favorite character in children’s literature is Eeyore. I always identified with him as a kid and even more so as an adult. There is a meme that has circulated over the years that embraces everything I have mentioned above.
His friends never expected him to be happy or positive or optimistic. They never once tried to fix him or change him. They did not view him as “sick” or “ill.” He was just Eeyore. They also showed up and they included him in EVERYTHING. Even thought they may not have been digging his vibe in a particular moment they always remembered that he was their friend and they were there. In the long run, they were all richer for it.
Why is this so important? Why is changing the way we have relationships with those that battle with the unseen so very important? One simple reason, there are more of us than you will ever know. That said, this should honestly be an approach we take with everyone, not just those of our friends that go to battle within themselves each day.
We do not and should not have to discuss our details to anyone, ever. We should not have to announce loudly that we are feeling triggered. We should not have to disclose our life story to anyone. We should not have to explain ourselves if we say no or cancel plans.
While there are a few of us that are coming out now and disclosing our situations, know that those around you that do not openly discuss it are watching your reactions to what we share. They are watching how you treat us, to our face and behind our backs. Saying things like, “Well, I always knew she was crazy.” or “Well, she just wants attention.” or “That’s just an excuse.” or “That does not excuse her from ____.” These comments are things that people that are afraid to open up hear. These comments are reasons why people do not seek help. These comments are reasons why people cease being their authentic selves and wear masks everyday.
There are more and more people in my extended circles that have been coming out, raising their hands and telling their community, “This is me! No mask! This is me!” I am so proud of them and they keep me inspired! They are my people and I LOVE THEM! These are people that should not be shamed, EVER! These are people that you should not feel sorry for, EVER! These are people that you should not discourage or laugh at, EVER! If you do, it honestly says more about you than you realize.
I want to end this by asking those that are struggling with the internal battles to please reach out and seek help! If you need an ear, I am here. But please know, the help does help if you put the work in. You are loved! You are valued! You are brave! You are a warrior! Go out an slay your dragons!
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